The Potemkin village of Canadian music fame

Justin Bieber and the guy from Hedley

If you want a good example of the Twightlight Zone-esque way that Canadian nationalism twists observable reality into all sorts of freaky distortions, you need look no further than your typical Canadian pop music award show. They’re a swirling vortex of feel-good deception, designed for the sole purpose of creating a pleasing alternate dimension — similar to, but quite unlike our own — in which a thriving, popular, independent Canadian music industry actually exists.

Last Sunday was the night of the Much Music Video Awards, Much Music being a sort of lamer, Canadian MTV knockoff. Things were predictably dominated by Ontario-born Justin Bieber, but the other big victor was a band called Hedley, who managed to pick up a total of three different awards as well. To the best of my ability to research, very few people in Canada actually like Hedley, yet they still seem to rampage gleefully across the countryside, picking up awards and honours left and right. Along with the MMVAs, Hedley was nominated for “best album” and “best group” at this April’s Junos, and has won no less than four different Canadian Radio Music Awards. They even got to play at the closing ceremonies of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. Yet such consistent acclaim flies in the face of a much crueler commercial reality.

At present, Hedley’s 2009 album, The Show Must Go is Canada’s 18th best-selling, a status it has hovered at for quite some time. They’ve sold about 100,000 CDs in all, which by Canada’s low standards was considered enough to give them “platinum” status, though not enough to get them included in the country’s year-end Top 50 of 2009 (which is less than can be said of the Hannah Montana 3 soundtrack). Indeed, the only chart Hedley ever consistently tops is the “Canadian Hot 100,” which documents airplay on Canadian radio stations. But this victory is a complete chimera, considering that Canadian radio networks are, by national law in the name of the Queen, forced to play a certain quota of Canadian bands in order to keep their broadcasting licensees. Regulations like these are gold for bands like Hedley, which, due to their sort-of pop, sort-of hip hop, sort-of rock sound, can easily secure maximum play on the maximum amount of stations. Canada’s a small country, after all. There’s simply not that much competition.

Hedley is thus very much a product of the modern Canadian cultural-industrial complex, in which subpar artists can enjoy very successful and lucrative careers regardless of whether they possess any real-world popularity to back them up. Through the quirk of being Canadian they can quickly gain a high profile on the back of tax subsidies and a radio landscape bent in their favour, then turn around and easily win awards at Canadian music shows because, really, who else is going to?

The Canadian music industry is a hustle from beginning to end because it’s based on such brazenly false premises. Simply put, there is no distinct Canadian music market, only a North American one. Music that is popular in the US is popular in Canada almost by definition, and consumers in both countries don’t seem to care a whit where artists come from, as long as they’re good.

Compare the 2009 sales charts:

As you can see, they are basically identical. Popular artists differ mainly by rank. Other differences are obviously demographic in nature; the US has more blacks, so hip-hop dudes like Jay-Z sell better there, while Canada has more Frenchies, which explains the inclusion of Fais-Moi De La Tendresse. Beyond that, Buble and Nickelback seem to be the only Canadian artists Canadians actually want to buy, which is unsurprising, since they are also two of the most successful Canadian acts in the States.

The Canadian music establishment rejects all of this, however, and clings to the fantasy that Canada and the US function as two entirely separate cultural realms, and that Canadians must aggressively defend the sovereignty of their realm by buying and listening to as much Canadian music as possible. And if the people of Canada are too lazy and judgmental to do their patriotic duty, then the Canadian government must implement all sorts of regulations and quotas to shove them in that direction.

This logic obviously services the financial interests of Canadian musicians and record producers far more than the listening pleasure of the Canadian public, and indeed, within the Canadian music scene there is a not particularly well-hidden belief that a guaranteed modicum of success is a fundamental right of any Canadian artist, and one the state has a moral obligation to provide.

The argument would make a lot more sense if Canadians, say, spoke some absurd foreign language, or played some bizarre style of music which had absolutely no appeal outside of our borders. But as it turns out, we don’t. In fact, we happen to be lucky enough to live right beside the single-largest English-speaking consumer base on the planet, and our musicians (the good ones, at least) tend to produce the very sort of music our American brethren love to hear. Mr. Bieber is successful completely independently of the fact that he’s Canadian. Indeed, it’s hard to argue the fact is even relevant in any way, which is why giving him special “Canadian” awards, in addition to the countless American awards he’s already piled up, feels so hollow and patronizing.

The reality that success in the United States is usually a precondition for success in Canada may be unfortunate, and may impose an undue hardship on gargae bands across the country who’d rather just have fame handed to them, but no ever one said being a rock star was easy. I’m sure there are a lot of artists in Wisconsin or Iowa who would rather not move to California either.

Canadian egos are probably too fragile to tolerate such an idea, but it would really make the most sense for all existing Canadian music awards to be consolidated into their closest American equivalents, in order to create a single, North American awards venue. If we accept the humble premise that awards shows are supposed to recognize the worth of music that is popular and impressive, and not merely function as some sort of ego-pacifying musician welfare system, then it only makes sense.

But sense is a rare quality when Canadian nationalism is involved.